Tis the Season

The Winter Months

It is a little unexpected that the winter months make it harder to find people to give out lunches. It makes sense though, when it is cold, people stay inside. This past Saturday was unusually warm outside, so there were lots of people out and about. The turf war was on again, although this time it was with the forces of good instead of the forces of drug dealers. There was another group serving lunch at my turf on the east side. They had a pretty sweet set up too. They brought tables and it looked like they had hot food to serve. Most of the folks that were walking around got their lunch from my competition.

There was an article in The Pitch, a weekly Kansas City publication, where they interviewed a few homeless folks around town. Most of the people had some wisdom to offer about what it takes to live on the street. One guy said it is a constant turf war. You have to claim your spot and daily let others know it is yours. You can't afford to let another person stake a claim on prime real estate because the take will be diluted. Most of the guys had well developed strategies for bringing in tax free money.

The interviewer didn't include anything in the article about why the people were homeless, and if it was a choice, or if they have just fallen on hard times. I wonder...

This Saturday I took two friends with me, Jessica and Julie. I was a little concerned taking two girls with me, in light of what happened last week. I think that we have the forces of good working for us though, so we were once again safe.

I saw something I have never seen before. We were driving around the east side of town, and I saw a rough looking dude walking behind a building. When I pulled up, he was searching through a dumpster apparently looking for food. I gave him a lunch and drove away and that image stuck with me.

I think I am a little naive when it comes to understanding the reality of life on the street. The article in the pitch highlighted people who seemed to be relatively healthy, and made a pretty good living for themselves. I think it was a rose colored view of the homeless community. This guy was looking through the trash for food. And that is his life. I don't know where he had come from, or where he was headed, but he was looking through the trash for food. I have never had to look through the trash for food. I have no idea what this guy has to do to survive on a daily basis. I complain when my roommate accidentally erases an episode of The Office from our TiVo before I get a chance to watch it. This guy does his grocery shopping at Deffenbaugh.

Being exposed to the reality of the life of a homeless person has created more compassion in me for people who don't have much. I have to admit that when I started this little adventure, I was more passionate about building a nonprofit organization, the business of charity. It is a pleasant surprise that this is changing me. Certainly not something I planned for.

Turf war

It snowed here a few days ago and today it was still pretty cold. As I pulled up to the east side location, for the first time there was no one on the sidewalk. I ran in to one lady and she told me the people were all scattered because it was cold out and I would have to drive around to find people. I told her about what we were doing, and she told me she would help "drum up some business", so she just started yelling at a few guys who were walking a block away. One of them came over and I was talking to him for a few minutes. He was clearly troubled in some way, or on crack, and his conversation didn't make much sense. When he started getting upset, I told him to have a nice day then I turned around and got back to my car as he started yelling louder and louder. I have mentioned before that this is not really the safest part of town.

When I got back in my car, another car sped up from behind and pulled along side me. I rolled down my window but the guy and girl in the car just stared at me without rolling down their window. I asked them if they had lunch yet, and offered them both something to eat. I was a little scared because I knew I was on his turf, and I was also sure that he had more guns in the car than I did (I don't carry a gun). The tension broke, the girl laughed, the guy smiled, they rolled down their window, and told me they had already had lunch.

I have been scared before, and I was certainly scared then, but thinking back, it is freaking amazing that when I offered him a lunch, everything was cool. We were just two people. He was not a drug dealer protecting his turf, and I was not a scared white boy. We were equal for that akward moment when our lives intersected. I don't get it, food is magic peace potion. The tagline (the one in the banner at the top of the page) became true today.

In other news, I found a new community to get to know, and that is why I have started asking for help. I need more poeple who believe in this vision to step up and get started. SO, I have a favor to ask you...please tell others about the website. Put a link on your page. Tell your friends. Tell your family. Tell them I need help. Tell them they don't need to raise their own money. I just need their time. I will help them get started and get comfortable. Unfortunately, I can't issue guns to any volunteers, Free Lunch policy states that you must serve lunch at your own risk.

Help!

Here's how:

I need help each week making and handing out lunches. The typical schedule goes something like this:

10:30-11:00 - go to the grocery store and buy food
11:00-11:45 - make lunches
11:45-12:00 - drive downtown
12:00-1:15 - deliver lunches and talk to people
1:15-1:30 - drive back to the house

If you are interested in helping, send an email to the following address:
freelunchvolunteers@gmail.com

Rest

There are all kinds of personality test books that give language to describe the kind of people we are. Last spring a friend of mine forced (not an exaggeration) all of her friends to take a test so she would know the inner workings of all of us. She took the book everywhere, and if there was a person who had not taken the test, she stopped everything and forced (not an exaggeration) the person to answer all 70 questions and then do the analysis to find out what kind of person they were. I am an INFJ.

The most beneficial book I have ever read that describes personalities is called Now Discover Your Strengths. The author made the point that if a person focuses on their strengths, and lives out of them, that person will be a much more effective _______________ (fill in the blank).

One of my strengths is responsibility. As with any strength, it has good stuff and bad stuff. The good stuff is that I make sure things get done. The bad stuff is I take responsibility for things I have no business being responsible for, and sometimes so much responsibility (without cutting myself any slack) that I run myself ragged.

In order to keep my life straight, I have to write down a task list of all the things that keep my life moving in the direction I want it to. When I construct my list, I have 3 sections: past events, present events, and future events. Every time I look at my task list, I have to tell myself (and I always use the stereotypical psychologist tone) that I can't change the past and I can't control the future, so I am left to focus on my present tasks. When I don't get a task done at the scheduled time, I have learned that it is normal to feel some pressure, but it is no reason to have a nervous breakdown. I am practicing my breathing techniques right now.

I have been serving lunch every other Saturday for the past few weeks. This past Saturday, according to the schedule, was the next lunch. But I was sick. And tired. And I didn't sleep the night before. And I am sure I could come up with three hundred and twenty seven other excuses, but the truth of it all is that I just wanted to rest. So I did. And the world kept turning. The sky is still firmly in place.

A friend pursuing a similar goal with his work told me that his work is a product, or expression of who he is. When he delivers his product, it is a result of what is going on in his life. When life bears down on him, he has to outsource his manufacturing process. I am not being very clear here, but what it brought me to realize is that I can only do what I can do, and I asked myself if it was more beneficial to maintain a thing that in the end might wear me down to a ragged mess, or to maintain myself and take a breather when I am out of breath. I assume that the disclaimers about laziness, and self-serving are understood here.

A few months ago, I read the best book I have ever read on business and life. It is worth reading whatever your occupation, check it out here. The book kept hammering the idea that healthy people have a healthy influence on the people around them, and they benefit the people they care about, the more healthy they are.

So at the risk of going against my compulsion to run myself ragged in order to keep my "system" in place and causing a nervous breakdown, I gave myself the day off and I will be eating lunch with my friends again this Saturday.

Fifth lunch

After a lunch, there are so many things to write about. I always get something from going through the process of feeding people. It has been a month since I have done Free Lunch (I was out of town during the last Free Lunch at Billy's wedding, Patrick filled in for me). This week I took Billy and Holly. Holly's brother does a similar project in San Diego. He is associated with a church and it sounds cool. Check it out here.

After making the lunches, we drove around the usual route and tried to find people under the bridge, but I didn't find anyone. We drove through downtown, and it was pretty quiet. For the first time ever, I had enough lunches to feed everyone on the east side. I learned that 3 people make the east side much more manageable. It felt good to have enough food. I also forgot my glasses, and me driving without glasses is not so good.

I don't know what it will take to break the ice with the people on the east side. For the most part, they still grab and go back to their spot on the curb. I haven't formed any real relationships with anyone yet, and I don't really expect to for a little while, but I am still holding out hope (and that is allowable under the protocol for building relationships as outlined in an earlier post).

Free Lunch puts my feet back on the ground and reminds me of what I can do. If you take a look at the 10 commandments from the Bible, the first 4 deal with a relationship with God, and the last 6 deal with relationships with others. Honor your parents, Don't murder, Don't commit adultery, Don't steal, Don't lie, Don't covet. That's a lot of don'ts for me. Some are easier to follow than others, but if I walk around keeping in mind all the things that I am supposed to don't, I am afraid that I won't do anything.

The new testament keeps it simple (and simple is good). Do love God. Do love your neighbor. I was talking with a friend this past weekend about the ability of humans to do any selfless act. Her thesis was that it is possible to accomplish a selfless act, even if that produces a good feeling for the giver. The good feeling is not the motive, because the act of giving may or may not produce a good feeling. Sometimes it does, and that is great, but I don't think it is possible to prove that a good feeling is always the product. I forgot to ask her how she completed her argument, because I was too selfish to ask her any more about it and I probably started talking about myself. This is probably tied to my need to have everything planned and under control. God forbid I learn anything new from another person. In my experience, my own selfishness has been the single biggest roadblock to getting to know others and being surprised by what the world has to offer. Don't listen was not one of the 10 commandments, neither was don't be teachable, don't wonder, don't explore, don't ask questions, don't be open to change, don't ever be wrong, don't learn, or don't speed while driving.

The transition from don't to do offers a lot of freedom for me. Of course there are still rules, but the produce is more important than the protocol.

Do you like how I slipped in the fact that the 10 commandments says nothing specifically about speeding in a car? I have 5 speeding tickets in the last year and I am trying to figure out some way to justify myself.

On vision

There is this older guy that I know only by what is written* about him. He died a long time ago, but from what is written about him, he sounds like someone I would have liked to know. This is a speech he wrote down before he spoke it one Fourth of July toward the end of his life:

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Children-
When I was a young man the Lord came to me and put His hand just here on my right shoulder. I can feel it still. And He spoke to me, very clearly. The words went right though me. He said, Free the captive. Preach good news to the poor. Proclaim liberty throughout the land. That is all Scripture, of course, and the words were already very familiar to me at the time. But it is clear enough why He would feel they needed special emphasis. No one lives by them, unless the Lord takes him in hand. Certainly I did not, until the day He stood beside me and spoke those words to me.

I would call that experience a vision. We had visions in those days, a number of us did. Your young men will have visions and your old men will dream dreams. And now all those young men are old men, if they're alive at all, and their visions are no more than dreams, and the old days are forgotten long before we are.

The President, General Grant, once called Iowa the shining star of radicalism. But what is left here in Iowa? What is left here in Gilead? Dust. Dust and ashes. Scripture says the people perish, and they certainly do. It is remarkable. For all this His anger is not turned away, but His Hand is stretched out still.

The Lord Bless you and keep you, etc.
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I have written before about this project being a vision. if you have been reading this blog for a while, you would have noticed that I changed the title to the first entry from 'the vision', to 'the purpose'; I am still not resolved as to what the title should be.

In graduate school, I worked at one of the worlds leading visualization research labs (VRAC, Iowa State University, go Cyclones). Part of my project was to figure out how to create an image in three dimensional space that would describe multi-dimensional equations. We see things in three dimensions. Math uses equations to describe complex systems with equations have more than three dimensions. So part of my job was to figure out how to render images of these multi-dimensional equations so that we could interact with them and see how the shape changes as variables change. I was not very successful creating anything of value in this part of my research, but I had good coffee and muffins in the small room where I defended my thesis, and I think the aroma satisfied my professors enough that they let it slide. Although I think there is a solution to this problem, no one to my knowledge has found a good one, so I hope anyone who has tried to present a solution also has good coffee in the room. It's helpful if the presentation is made first thing in the morning; academics are notorious for working late nights.

After studying that problem, I concluded that a vision was something I could re-create in the form of an equation, and ultimately something that could be conveyed through a projector to a screen. Like TV. In a world where tele-visions are the primary media in which I receive a majority of the information that forms my perspective of reality, I have come to expect that any-vision will come by paying 90 bucks a month to Time-Warner. And since I am too busy to receive my vision when they have scheduled to transmit it, I pay an extra 5 bucks a month for the ability to record the visions and watch them commercial free when it is convenient for me. Just as an interesting side note, 'tele' is Greek prefix meaning distant. I looked up the Greek word for 'vision', and found one definition that read, 'the power of sight'. I never thought of sight as a power...I wonder what other secret powers I don't know about.

The speech above caused me think about visions in the form of an experience. An experience is more like art than math. Although, I would argue that math and art have a high correlation, but that is for another thought. Free Lunch is the product of a journey. The journey is an expedition to discover the unknown. An exploration of the places where truth and beauty and love and understanding are hidden. An excavation of ancient ruins to find out what remains of lives and cultures from history. When light hits the unearthed artifacts that remain, maybe I will know what will remain from my life and my community. These are all things I want to experience in my life.

I am having trouble creating some thing that renders the whole vision of Free Lunch, when I try, the vision eludes my description. It’s like trying to use a bucket to skim oil off the top of a lake. When I lift my bucket up thinking I have all the oil contained, I look back and the oil I didn't get has once again re-covered the small amount I was able to scoop up. I use the same method to try again...this vision is expansive.

It doesn't matter what you believe about life and death and God, but the Scripture that was referenced in the speech has been one of the most studied collection of letters and stories ever written. I think that so many people have studied it (regardless of belief) because it contains this mysterious power to speak to you wherever you are at on your journey, at whatever depth you are traveling. And no matter what depth you are at, or what depth you think you are at, its depths are not charted by any earthly map. My point is not to get you to read the Bible, but to draw some conclusion as to why I am compelled to write about Free Lunch. I like the stories in the Bible. I know a little more about who wrote them, and the people they are about when I read them.

I write because I want to be known. I want to share my life with the people I care about. I want to open the doors to the parts of my life that I have a hard time talking about in conversation (which is nearly everything, I am shy in a crowd). I write because it is the best I can do to convey a vision that I think is worth sharing. I won't be able to do it well, and that is why I am not satisfied to let this vision turn in to a dream. I am going to do my best to experience it. I hope the remains that are found one thousand years from now are more than a pile of dust and ashes.

*Gilead, by Marilynne Robinson, see also, Gilead

on wisdom, naivete, courage, fear, beauty, truth and the fourth lunch

i had a chance to sit down with nancy last thursday. actually, i sat and she stood up, nancy cuts my hair. i go to see nancy about every other month, and for an hour we share our lives with each other. i look forward to our conversations because nancy is my friend. nancy also has a better understanding of style than anyone else i know, and that is why i trust her with the all important haircut. my vanity and high maintenance lifestyle become abundantly clear to me every time i go see nancy. last week nancy and i talked about giving with wisdom.

a good friend of mine commented on an earlier post by giving a quote from gordon cosby, "The most helpful experiments are accomplished by people who are too naive to know what they are getting into. The wise and experienced know too much to ever accomplish the impossible." I don't know the full context of cosby's comment, but it got me thinking about wisdom in giving. nancy told me a story about how a man approached her and her grandmother and manipulated them in to giving some money. the man got the money, and nancy got to give to the poor. sounds good, right?

weeeeeeelllllllll, i don't know. i feel a little uneasy if i give it the ok stamp. similar to a feeling i had when another friend asked me if it was ever ok to lie, and gave the situation of hiding jews during the holocaust and being questioned by german soldiers on the hunt.

the uneasy feeling comes from using a lie, or manipulation or whatever you want to call it, in order for a person to get what they want. a homeless person wants food, and a scared german wants to protect their jewish friend. the result is good but the methodology is broken. business books classify a productive member of a company as one who produces good results, methodology is secondary. i want friends, and i want to feed homeless people.

i am going to go out on a limb here and make a few statements that may be wrong, and that i have not done the work to fully prove, so if you disagree or find a flaw, feel free to comment:
lying creates results that naivete is not able to see. when a person lies, not only do they have to somehow make the lie look like reality (which isn't reality at all, and thus requires that the liar lives somewhere other than reality, even if for a moment), but, depending on your belief system, they have done something wrong. to move on in reality, the lie has to be reconciled, or else the liar lives in a warped reality.

truth creates one result. it is clean, there is nothing unaccounted for, everything reconciles, and the story is simple because it is the truth and the truth is simpler than a lie; truth exists in reality, a lie does not. it is easier to talk about reality than it is to talk about something contrived. truth creates one result that has several names but i will call it beautiful. naivete can be defined as artless simplicity. a naive person can talk about how they feed a hungry person, but a truthful person can tell you why it is beautiful. truth allows a person to give freely and receive freely. truth knows that it takes courage to do something with real consequences. truth knows that it has something to fear, that there is a real enemy.

the path to knowing and applying truth is wisdom, and the beginning of wisdom....is what we are all searching for.

patrick did free lunch this weekend because i got to see my best friend get married on the beach in florida. i had a few feelings as i was listening to patrick tell me the stories from the weekend...by the way, patrick has the award for the most hilarious free lunch weekend, and you will have to ask him about it because he tells it best...i felt pleased that free lunch was happening in my absence because this is a step in the vision of creating a model that others can repeat. i felt loss that things are not the same as they used to be. i am following this vision that was given to me, and trying to stay true to my role in the story, and i know my role will change with time. i will miss out on certain things because i am required to fulfill another responsibility. i felt proud of patrick because he added something that i could not add. patrick is really good at striking up conversation and making people feel comfortable. patrick is clear about his purpose too, he likes the idea of feeding hungry people, and free lunch serves as a conduit for his purpose which is much bigger and of more consequence than merely feeding people...

i have opened up a number of different subjects in this post and i am trying to figure out how to tie them neatly together and come to some conclusions so all this reading amounts to something. but i am afraid i don't have many conclusions, and i don't even know the question that allows me to find the next step. maybe i opened up more than i can handle to write about...i have a tendency to do that sometimes...

if someone tells a lie in order to get a lunch, they might come to expect that they have to lie to get anything from me or anyone else. a lie does nothing to build a relationship, it only destroys. i want to build a relationship with the people i meet, and wisdom would tell me that i should not allow a person to lie to me in order to get a meal, even if i intend on giving them one. how do i do this? how do i recognize a lie? how do i reconcile a lie in a relationship? how do i move on? how do i offer truth? how do i guard against lies? how do i build a relationship with someone who has possibly never experienced a truthful relationship? what is my responsibility?

i have more questions than answers, but i know a few things. it is beautiful to see a vision come in to reality, it is beautiful to see desires fulfilled, wisom gives sight to see things that are beautiful and i have only seen the tip of the iceburg.

if you know some way to finish this post, please comment. and if you find yourself at the end of this post feeling as if you didn't get to the end (which is how i feel right now), read the comments. i am friends with some good writers.

help!

back to the purpose

i had lunch with kevin today and i was telling him about free lunch. he stated the purpose back to me in such a way that i had to write it down. the purpose of free lunch is not to feed people who don't have food or community, it is to eat with people who don't have food or community.

sometimes when ideas are shared, people respond by pointing out all the hurdles, and complications and reasons why it won't work...as if anyone who is trying something new needs more to overcome...good intentions often times just need help steering and seeing. i have been so thankful for everyone who has cared to share their opinion because you have added new insight, new understanding, new wisdom, new language to free lunch.

it is easy to become self absorbed and choose to look at what i don't have, but when the people around me have helped build free lunch by whatever they have to add, it makes it easy to see what i do have, and what i have to give. and those are some sweet shades to be wearing when the sun is rising over a new horizon.

development on the business side

i recently had a conversation with a guy who goes to third world countries with his company and builds metal buildings that serve for different purposes in their communities. he told me about a charitable foundation that helps start up organizations get established as 501(c)3 non profit companies. they have a lawyer on hand that will help get the company started, and the even issue grants to some of the start ups.

this was a very cool conversation and i will tell you why. i have started asking a few people if they would consider working for this company if it were formed, but i don't have the necessary resources right now to pull it all together. so to find an organization that is geared toward helping start ups get established takes a large burden off my back to do research and find out how to file the correct paperwork and make a legitimate business that people can donate to and work for.

i have had several people offer to donate money, in fact, someone gave me money that i didn't tell about it. they had heard about it through another person i told, and just wrote me a check. that is really amazing for a couple reasons, but the one that blows me out of the water is that i didn't have to do anything. by word of mouth, one person told another person and that compelled them to write me a check. i didn't have to do any fundraising, money is just coming in the door. another person gave me a large amount of food they had left uncooked from a bbq. i am not asking for it, and it is just happening.

this comes back to the need for a business entity to house this project. i need to have someone who will be responsible for keeping track of the funds and food that are coming in. i want to be able to give people a tax deduction, but i don't have the time to keep track of it all.

so now i need help. i didn't quite expect this to be happening quite yet, so this is a good surprise.

thanks!!!!

i just want to say thank you to everyone who has taken some time to look at this blog and read it in the past week. i have just gone public with all of this by sharing this website with the people i come in contact with, and i appreciate the feedback and encouragement you all have given me. it has been another fulfillment (one that i didn't expect), from this effort. your encouragement and feedback tells me you care enough to take the time to read, and then share your thoughts. thats the kind of community i am talking about. thats the kind of community i want to have. the kind of community that shares a desire to do something, anything, and cares enough to make that thing good.

thank you all, i will keep sharing my thoughts as this develops...and i appreciate your encouragement along the way.

selling out

as you can see, i have decided to subscribe to adsense today. maybe one of these days this website will be viewed by more than 10 folks, and google will spill some of it $750,000,000 quarterly profit (thats right, seven hundred and fifty million quartlerly PROFIT), over to this little effort.

happy clicking!

third lunch

today was the third lunch. the newness of this is wearing off, and a routine is setting in. a typical day goes like this:

10:30 - head to the store to get groceries (i have become quite the bargain shopper)
11:15 - get back to the house and make lunches
12:15 - drive downtown
1:45 - all done

i usually go to the 23rd street bridge (formerly known as the courtyard), and look for the people i know down there, then i make my way towards downtown, stopping under bridges and through allys to find people hanging out (this is my favorite part, because sometimes i offer lunches to people who probably aren't homeless, and that makes me laugh, sometimes they are offended...), and then i head up to the east side and when i get out of the car, it takes no time to get rid of everything.

there are a few things that were pretty cool about this week. the routine is getting predictable, and it is easier to tell the person i am with how to do it and what to expect. i have taken a new person with me each time to talk with them about what i am doing, get their feedback, get some time to hang out with them and get to know them, and so they can tell other people about free lunch. it is always easier for me to get to know someone if we are working together to get something done. community happens in the margins (making lunches, going to the store, driving around, etc.), and that is the whole purpose of this, to develop community.

i run in to a few of the same people every week, i got to see chris again this week, a guy i met last week. chris always has a lot to tell me about the people who are chasing him down and how he has to protect himself because he has enemies, and you never know when they might come after you. i don't know exactly what is going on with chris, but i am glad i have run in to him a couple of times.

a few folks up on the east side recognized me when i pulled up, and that is always nice to be welcomed back. they usually take their lunch and run, so i don't really know any of them yet. i hope that i become a familiar face and be able to hang out for a while.

the familiarity of the routine is something i look forward to. it's like any regular routine, i take care of business and try to find the things in the routine that have meaning. i ask myself, what is important about this? there are a few things that are necessary to make it happen, but what is the essence of this routine? what should i really care about? i don't know the answers, but the search is great.

a few questions

a few questions have surfaced in the last few weeks, here are my thoughts...

why not just give to an organization that is already doing this?
there is not an organization with the same vision. the vision is community, and realizing that we are all cut from the same cloth. we are all people. everyone needs lunch and everyone needs a friend. the main purpose is NOT to feed the hungry. it is to be in community with the hungry. in a community, there is expectation from both sides. a relationship is not a one way street. i am buying these relationships by bringing food, and it may be one sided for a while, but i expect to care about these people i meet and to be cared for as well. that's right, they have something to offer, they have just rarely been asked, so they may not know it.

is this going to be organized in to a non-profit company?
yes. lots of work to do here, i am looking for a person to run the administrative side of this.

why?
to build a model for community. i will keep this as simple as possible so that others can repeat what i am doing easily. i can only influence a handful of people, but if i build something that others can duplicate, then my efforts can be multiplied.

second lunch

this saturday started off great, i saved over 25% with my bargain shopping at the grocery store. i have come in under budget both saturdays.

i got to the place i normally go to meet folks, and it was fenced off and the sign i had posted on thursday night was torn down. my hope in this little experiment was dashed. apparantly, the buildings that border the vacant lot are being redeveloped, and they are kicking all the homeless people out of the area.

so i drove around and handed out lunches at a few of the places i knew people gathered. i ran in to shawn again and he was happy i remembered his name. i also met his friend brenda, and they were both drunk. it was 1:00 in the afternoon. they appreciated the lunch and i am glad i ran in to shawn again.

i drove around for a while seeing 1 or 2 people that i thought needed a lunch, when i offered them a lunch, some were confused, some were happy, and some weren't homeless! oops. i hope they weren't offended, i just laughed.

i had about 15 lunches left over as i approached a scary part of town. it was the middle of the day and i feared for my life rolling in to this place. i saw a lady stumbling her way on the sidewalk, and got out to give her a lunch, and there were about 50 people that started coming for my car. i knew i didn't have enough lunches, so i was wondering what was going to happen when i ran out. were they going to get nasty? they didn't, they just walked away wishing they got something.

i saw something today i haven't seen very much of before. people in need. people with kids, people with mental problems, people who were hungry, and people who were hopeless. these are the east side people. on the west side, i feed drunk homeless people that are happy, and easy to be around, and funny, and dramatic, and the kind of people i normally hang out with, they just have a different address and a different wardrobe.

the east side people were different. i felt different around them. i felt scared, and hopeless. they swarmed like insects in the desert on a fresh kill until all the meat was gone, and when it was gone, some went away hungry. it was really a hopeless place.

i don't know if bringing lunches gives them any hope, or makes any kind of difference, but something was different over there. i don't know what it was, but i felt different. i felt out of place, threatened, and somehow that was a good thing.

i am still going to stop by and give shawn and brenda a lunch when i see them, but my new location is on the east side.

first lunch

as i was driving down to the spot where i met butch last saturday, i was envisioning a welcome party for the food i was so graciously and generously about to give. noon on saturday, i told butch and he told me. i got there and found no one. not a single person. so i waited.

its funny to me sometimes how much i have planned. i am one of those people who can visualize exactly what i want, down to the details, and sometimes (most times) i take it a tiny bit too far. i plan for the reaction of someone else. i plan out how they are going to greet me, how they are going to be helpful in setting up the table and food, i plan for their jovial response as we all eat lunch together and we find out about eachothers lives...i plan for all kinds of stuff i have no business planning for. when i am let down that my plans didn't work out, i keep getting reminded of the fact that i can't plan for an outcome, i can only hope.

there was a spectacular airshow in town last saturday. i could hear the planes soaring overhead as i was waiting. i was thinking about more names for the location since my friend told me i couldn't name it 'the courtyard' (i still like that name). i started looking at the graffiti on the walls to get some ideas, but the only word i could see was a very artistic rendition of the word 'crack'. i don't think i can call it 'the crack' either.

at about 12:45, shawn came wandering towards my car. i asked shawn if he knew butch, but he didn't, so i offered him some lunch. i asked if people came down to this bridge very often, and he said people were down here all the time, and i joked with him, 'just not now right?' Shawn informed me that everyone was probably down at the airshow.

i gave away a few lunches, and then i left the rest on a concrete support i had planned to use as the table we would all sit on as we laughed like old friends in the late summer sun. i left a note that said 'free lunch, take one, again in two weeks, noon on saturday'. i was pretty sure that people would be there later so i felt comfortable leaving all those lunches sitting there. i planned that they would get picked up by the folks who live down there. i planned that as they passed, each person would take one and only one lunch, and then go tell a friend. and maybe they would sit around and wonder who the nice person is who gave them each one lunch.

so what conclusion can i draw from this? i have a few things i can choose from:

• i failed
• butch failed
• i tried my best
• what i did was good in a charma kind of way, and goodness was increased in the world, and the credit goes to some higher power who will feed its children as they pass through on the way to anywhere, and they will be transformed by the time they get to the other side
• everyone likes to see an airshow

of all of my choices, i liked the last one the best. and i think it is the truest. when it comes down to it, most people in america will get food from somewhere, but airshows are precious. so savor them when they come to town because they may not be back soon.

i think friendship is a gift. i can't plan who my friends are going to be. i can't plan what will bring us together. i can't plan the time or the instant or the loss or victory that will bring us to be close friends. all i can do is show up, be present, give it my best, and be thankful when something great happens.

giving

my last two posts got me thinking about the question, what do i give to a person in a relationship? what does a person receive when they spend time with me? what do i have to give? what is something that i possess that i can give to another person?

i don't assume to have the answer to these questions. but i have some thoughts. i think community, a circle of support, is formed when people want the best for the other people. when one person wants the best for another person and the desire is reciprocated, a bond is formed.

so what does this look like? what language describes this thought? in order to want the best for another person, it is required that their needs are more important than mine. does that mean that i sacrifice myself so that another person is better off? a sacrificial lifestyle doesn't sound appealing to me. could that be what it is all about though?

if we need friends, and the way to form a bond is to regard another person as more important that ones self, and live that way, what is said about the person who is offering the sacrifice? whats in it for them? maybe nothing, maybe something, maybe they do it because someone else made a sacrifice for them once, and they want to pass the gift on...

so what does this look like? i am going to try to know these new acquaintences of mine. i am going to try to get to know their needs, know where their life isn't working right and if i have something to give, i am going to do my best to give it. i am afraid that i will have nothing to give, but i have got to give it a shot.

the other side of the coin is to allow my new little community to know me. will they have something to give me? i don't know. what do they have to give? after all, they don't have homes, they live under a bridge, what can they possibly give me?

this saturday is the first big step in this community experiment. i am going to serve lunch to a few folks and see if a bond forms. of course i have no control over what they decide to do, but my hope is that something happens.

finding the location, and my first acquaintance

i needed to find a location for my little experiment in friendship. so i drove around last saturday looking under bridges, in the projects, keeping my eye open for drug houses and vacant lots downtown. i came across an alley that lead to an empty lot under a bridge just south of downtown. i was nervous as i drove in because there was only one way to get in and one way to get out. i am a white boy in the hood and i am going in to uncharted territory.

i saw a group of homeless people under the bridge and i thought to myself "you are crazy, these people are going to rob you and take your car." then butch waved at me as if he expected me to be there and i drove over to him after i locked my car doors.

i rolled down my window and introduced myself. butch has hair that is out of control. frizzy grey hair on top and an unkept beard. he is the nicest homeless person i have ever talked to. i told him about my idea and he was immediately on board.

let me tell you a little about myself. i am not an outgoing person. i get anxious in big crowds. one of the hardest things in the world for me is to walk up to a group of people i don't know and introduce myself. butch told me that he would get as many people as i could handle to our little courtyard lunch under the bridge.

by the way, i wanted to call this location the courtyard, but a friend told me it was a bad idea. "no one likes to be in court, and a courtyard is in a country club, not under a bridge." i am rethinking the name.

i told butch i would be there this saturday with lunch. i hope he shows up with a few folks.

the purpose

the purpose of free lunch is simple. when everyone starts talking about their needs, we all become equal. we all need friends and we all need to eat. why not eat lunch with friends? only two things are needed, lunch and friends.

so where am i going to get my friend? i am going to go find one, or a few. i asked myself, who else needs a friend? who would accept me as i am? who would accept me if i gave them lunch? will someone be my friend for no other reason than a free lunch? can i live with that? who knows what will happen. i am going to give it a shot.